by Susan Galbraith
Characters
Narrator
King Barney the Simple
Child 1
Child 2 and Winternet character
Child 3
Child 4
Child 5
Child 6
Child 7 and Winternet character
Child 8 and Winternet character
Child 9
Queen Catherine the Kind
Peasant 1
Peasant 2
Queen of Winternet
Wizard
Wizard's Assistant
Doctor
Herbalist
Rapper team - "rapper" swords are spring steel with a handle at each end.
Narrator:
Once there was a king who loved to play,
He frolicked with the children every day.
The king enters, trailed by children.
King: In comes I, King Barney the Simple. I..... (interrupted by the children. They surround the king, demanding his attention. As each child says a line, the king turns to that child, trying to respond everywhere at once.)
Child 1: (holds out a kite) Please, would you run with my kite?
Child 2: (happy, tugging at the king's robe) The queen says we'll have cake tonight.
Child 3: Look, I made you a paper hat. (puts paper hat on the king)
Child 4: The king looks like a clown in that.
Child 5: My doll is broken. Can you fix it now?
Child 6: I want a sister. Get me one somehow!
Queen (enters, in golden yarn wig and muu-muu. This play is traditionally cast cross-gender. Our Queen also has a mustache and full beard.)
Queen:
In comes I, Queen Catherine the Kind. (shakes her head)
He plays like a child! But I don't mind.
Some men love gold, some lust for power.
But my king will sing and dance away the hours.
The kids keep him busy throughout the whole day.
And late at night he continues to play.
I wish he'd play less, 'cause I get all his work.
They say I'm a queen, but I feel like a (children yell --"Jerk") ... clerk.
Narrator:
The people loved their queen and king,
They'd gladly give them anything.
Peasants enter bearing presents. They approach the Queen, while the king plays quietly with the children, stage right.
Peasant 1:
Please take this fruit grown on our farm.
The harvest was rich this year.
Peasant 2:
I wove this robe to keep you warm.
(Smiling) So many sheep to shear! (Exits, bowing repeatedly)
Narrator:
Indeed, it seemed that everything was well.
'Til jealousy turned heaven into hell.
The queen of Winternet, a neighbor to the king
Envied his happiness, his land, his everything.
The Queen of Winternet enters, carrying a white box. She is wearing a weird crown of pipe-cleaner "snowflakes", a pale blue tulle skirt, and black lipstick and eye makeup, The Queen of Winternet shoves Queen Catherine aside on her way to the King.
Queen of Winternet:
In comes I, the villain of this plot.
The cybernetic harpy! And I've got
A realm that reaches countries far away.
Now this place soon will fall beneath my sway.
That simpering monarch with his little friends. Ha!
I'll cast a spell to serve my evil ends.
I'll make him tire of all his simple pleasures.
And tempt him with my Winternet's sweet treasures.
(Gestures to the King) Sire! I bring a gift to fill your hours.
More fun than toys, more colorful than flowers.
Untiring! Not like children, who must eat and sleep.
Unending joys are here for you to reap.
(She takes the magic glasses out of the box. They are ski goggles covered with bright colored creatures and flowers made of Fimo - polyester clay.)
Knights and heros in bright armor.
Amazon women and other charmers.
Dragons, beasts and monsters bold.
Wear these, and watch their tales unfold.
(She takes out a bright green leather glove covered with designs)
And with this glove upon your hand
The cyber-world's at your command.
(Links glove to glasses with wiring).
King:
I see.... But is it really there?
A country formed of light and air.
The castles and trees glow in the dark.
(motion of drawing a bow, aiming, and shooting. Then looks overjoyed)
I sent an arrow to its mark!
And now I'll fetch it back again.
Without a step, without a pain.
(Winternet figures - brightly dressed, masked and cloaked, enter silently, swirl past the King, and exit)
This world is better than my own.
The finest place I've ever known.
Fanciful figures in swirling capes
Brightest colors, wonderful shapes
Places and people I can explore
I'll look for my favorite.. a dinosaur.
The beauty of it makes me smile.
I think that I will stay awhile.
Queen of Winternet:
He took the bait! He's under my command.
My wintry web will strangle all the land. (she exits, cackling happily)
(The King remains, mumbling to himself, gesturing in the air with the glove, obviously preoccupied with something that isn't there. Child 7 and Child 8 enter.)
Child 7:
You said you'd come and play with me. (waves hands by the King's face)
Are you listening, can you see?
(The King doesn't react to the children. He stumbles around, talking to the air, waving the glove. He is obviously DOING something, but it is unrelated to the world around him. Child 7 starts to cry.)
Child 8:
Come on home, he's as unfeeling and uncaring as a 'droid.
I think our kings is caught in an endless void.
(The children exit.)
Queen Catherine: (enters, approaches the king)
Are you hungry? Try this cake!
Or sleepy? Won't you take... a... break? (Confused) The king's bewitched! Oh royal wizard.
Come save him from this cyber-blizzard!
(The Wizard and his assistant enter. The Wizard's white robe and conical white hat are adorned with CD-ROMs, diskettes, and computer phrases. His assistant has a long white beard and wears a white lab coat).
Wizard: Cyber-blizzard?
Queen: I'm a queen, not a playwright!
Wizard:
In comes I, the king's High Nerd
The Wizard of Unix, in other words
If you can't grep or awk or sed
Just use the knowledge in my head.
Linux, Mac, and OS/2
I can fix them all for you.
And if by then I'm still alive
I'll hack Windows 95.
I can write HTML
And rescue you from Pentium hell.
I'll track down all the bugs in RAM
And cancel Canter-Seigel spam.
But here's a problem truly deep.
He walks in cybernetic sleep.
For days and nights he's stayed the same.
I think he's caught in an endless game.
Find more manuals -- get more books.
This is trickier than it looks.
The king and all his virtual troop
Are thrashing in an infinite loop.
The Wizard and assistant work at the King with obscure electronic diagnostic tools, but finally acknowledge defeat.
Wizard:
I've read my books and worked my hacks
But I can't seem to bring him back.
Queen of Winternet, entering:
Your fond concern, your knowledge prized
Are useless! Now he's hypnotized!
My ice-cold heart will be my guide
As I drive the King to regicide.
(She aims an electronic noisemaker at the King. The King's right arm starts vibrating and waving, as if he's in a fight. Then he spins around and the glove grabs him by the throat. The King gasps and falls to the ground, dead.)
Queen Catherine, entering:
Doctor, doctor, where are you hiding?
Your King is virtually suiciding!
Doctor: (enters carrying a bottle of beer, wearing a suit jacket and loud tie. The Doctor ignores the King and focuses on the Queen.)
In comes I, the Physician wise.
I see, (stumbling over the King) I hear, I empathize.
No wish is too rude, no dream too dirty.
Your shameful secrets just make me flirty. (leers at Queen Catherine)
So tell me all! Then I'll make a potion
To cleanse your mind of unhealthy devotion.
I am the court psychologist, - My friend's the herbal master.
Herbalist:
Our skills combine to counteract the gravest of disasters.
There's ephedra to perk you up and camomile to calm you
And thistle seeds to dry you out and resins to embalm you.
I've herbs and simples plenty and I know just how to use 'em.
We also have some stronger drugs.
Doctor: And sometimes we abuse 'em.
Herbalist: (aside) Only you. (The Doctor finally notices the King)
Doctor:
Wha...? Wha's the matter with him? (bends over and knocks on the glasses)
He does not speak... His eyes are yellow, and hard... and staring.
His face is still and blank... and quite uncaring.
I think that this is cyber-catatonia.... (excited) I've never seen that before.
Provoked by weeks of Winternet insomnia.
(intones) The King went to play in the fields of the Lord
And stumbled and fell on his virtual sword.....Yes, I like that.
(Pleased with the phrase, writes it down, and begins to exit)
Queen Catherine:
You call yourself doctor! Why can't you just see?
The man is dead!! It's quite plain to me!
Doctor: (to himself): The King is dead.
Doctor: (to the Queen)
Well, if he is dead, then you're the one in need.
Let me comfort you, (aside) and serve my greed.
You should have a consort to help rule the land
And I can offer you a sympathetic hand.
Queen Catherine:
Take your hands off me, if you love your life!
There's no way in this world that I'll be your wife.
Doctor: (exits, saying) You can dress 'em up, but you can't take them out.
Queen Catherine:
The wizard and doctor were no use to me.
Oh what is the answer? I wish I could see.
Child 9:
Maybe not seeing is part of what's wrong.
Let's take off those glasses. He's worn them too long!
(The Queen hurries to the King, and removes the glasses.)
Queen:
His eyes are empty. How do we bring them life?
I think he needs his friends, his music, and his wife.
(Rises and gestures) He'd never miss a dance. Musicians, play!
Come, rapper team...We'll heal the king today!
(Rapper team enters and dances. The king's legs start to twitch rhythmically during the music, and he wakes up enough by the end of the dance to stand and clap. Other characters, except the Queen of Winternet, enter silently and stand behind the King.)
King:
I quested after endless cyber-joys,
Forsaking solid pleasures for imaginary toys.
A pretty dream's appealing in the winter
But can't compete with sun, and spring, and summer.
So look for joys that speak to all your senses.
Put on the day, and talk in present tenses.
All sing (to tune of "This Old Man,", which is also the tune of the Barney theme song):
Sky and clouds. Sun and sea.
Beauty is reality.
Don't get stuck in the 'Net. That's a tip from us to you.
Smell the flowers and don't be blue.
© 1997 Susan Galbraith
(Original URL: http://antiquemart.com/susan/mumming.htm)